The Advice given by A Parent That Saved Us as a New Father

"I think I was merely just surviving for the first year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the truth soon proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her chief support while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he burnt out. It was a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You need assistance. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now more comfortable addressing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges fathers face.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a broader failure to talk between men, who still absorb negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - going on a few days abroad, outside of the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he needed to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is coping.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, and also the joys, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the frustrations in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they faced their struggles, transformed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."